Friday, January 14, 2011
facing loneliness
I have seen several movies or TV shows where there is a certain character that is facing loneliness. I've always felt compassion and sympathy towards these characters, but never have I felt what its like to be the one that feels that way. Never in my life have I sat in a place where I am surrounded by people, yet I feel entirely alone. Everyone is sitting in pairs or groups except for me. The only thing keeping me sane is my ipod and laptop. They make me appear to look busy and focused. I've met a few great people while I've been here, some who will potentially be great friends, but as of right now I have no one here. I know it has a lot to do with me, but I've never been the bold type, the type that makes conversations. No, I've always been the quiet type, the background type, the listener. It is incredibly hard for me to put myself out there and talk, it makes me incredibly vulnerable. I've never had to do it before. At home I had my support systems like my mom, my sister, my best friend. Here its just me. I'm tired of this loneliness. It's not healthy, but seeing as I've never battled with it before, I don't really know how to defeat it.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A bit gray
Dear friend,
I came to Wheaton College because I felt God leading me to come here so I can better prepare myself for ministry at Relevant. The day before coming here I find out that Relevant's future is in question. At first the magnitude of it didn't really phase me, I didn't realize the implications of what was happening at Relevant on my being at Wheaton. Then came Saturday night. I was alone since my sister went off to visit her friends in Chicago. I have to say Saturday night was one of the hardest nights of my life. All of a sudden the reality of what I was doing set in. I realized how alone I felt in this big school full of people I didn't know, I realized the isolation of living by myself. I realized the difficulty of the academic level in this school, but worse I realized that my purpose for coming to Wheaton might not even be existent upon my return to Miami. Even if it is existent, it won't be the same. My mind became flooded with doubts and fears. My heart felt pain and sadness. All I wanted was to go back home. I could picture sunny beautiful Miami and its people. Then, God challenged me with a question, did I come to Wheaton for Relevant or for the people of Miami?
One thing is certain in my mind, God wants me here. He worked out everything to my benefit so I can be here now at this specific point in time in my life. I can say confidently that He wants me here. However, God challenged my motives and I may have come here under a different understanding but now it's clear. I came here because Miami needs God, needs Jesus. Wheaton has the resources and knowledge and skills that I need to learn to take with me to Miami. I am now re-focused, realizing the depth of my call to Wheaton. It still hasn't become entirely easy to be here away from the people I love, the city I love, but I'll continue placing my hope in Jesus, in his call for my life, knowing that there is something greater for me than what I could ever have pictured for myself. I expect my time here at Wheaton to be challenging academically, emotionally and spiritually. I expect to be stretched to the point of breakage, I expect to face severe doubts and fears, but I also expect to wrestle with those same doubts and fear and come out confident. I expect to come out of here a more whole person. A person who has journeyed further in her spiritual process, a person who has gained a deeper understanding of her faith, a person who is deeper in love with her wonderful creator. Please pray for me friend as this will be a challenging time in my life. I need your support and your faith in me.
Love,
Jazmine
I came to Wheaton College because I felt God leading me to come here so I can better prepare myself for ministry at Relevant. The day before coming here I find out that Relevant's future is in question. At first the magnitude of it didn't really phase me, I didn't realize the implications of what was happening at Relevant on my being at Wheaton. Then came Saturday night. I was alone since my sister went off to visit her friends in Chicago. I have to say Saturday night was one of the hardest nights of my life. All of a sudden the reality of what I was doing set in. I realized how alone I felt in this big school full of people I didn't know, I realized the isolation of living by myself. I realized the difficulty of the academic level in this school, but worse I realized that my purpose for coming to Wheaton might not even be existent upon my return to Miami. Even if it is existent, it won't be the same. My mind became flooded with doubts and fears. My heart felt pain and sadness. All I wanted was to go back home. I could picture sunny beautiful Miami and its people. Then, God challenged me with a question, did I come to Wheaton for Relevant or for the people of Miami?
One thing is certain in my mind, God wants me here. He worked out everything to my benefit so I can be here now at this specific point in time in my life. I can say confidently that He wants me here. However, God challenged my motives and I may have come here under a different understanding but now it's clear. I came here because Miami needs God, needs Jesus. Wheaton has the resources and knowledge and skills that I need to learn to take with me to Miami. I am now re-focused, realizing the depth of my call to Wheaton. It still hasn't become entirely easy to be here away from the people I love, the city I love, but I'll continue placing my hope in Jesus, in his call for my life, knowing that there is something greater for me than what I could ever have pictured for myself. I expect my time here at Wheaton to be challenging academically, emotionally and spiritually. I expect to be stretched to the point of breakage, I expect to face severe doubts and fears, but I also expect to wrestle with those same doubts and fear and come out confident. I expect to come out of here a more whole person. A person who has journeyed further in her spiritual process, a person who has gained a deeper understanding of her faith, a person who is deeper in love with her wonderful creator. Please pray for me friend as this will be a challenging time in my life. I need your support and your faith in me.
Love,
Jazmine
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Adjustments
I heard my best friend's voice over the phone and tears came to my eyes. I feel so alone, so removed and I just want to go home. Yet, that's not am option for me. I know it's not. This is where I need to be. School starts Monday, the distraction will help. I need to meet new people, connect with others, that will help too. I'm just so scared. I hate to admit it but I am. I also feel like I can't do this, like I'm not smart enough to be at this school. I'm doubting myself. If I were hearing myself I'd give myself the greatest pep talk, and tell myself that I'm smart and capable, but it just isn't enough. I just want to fast forward this part until the part where I'm happy again and loving what I'm doing. Once again, patience is key.
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