24

Today is my birthday. Happy Birthday Jazmine. I started this blog exactly a year ago, when I turned 23 and it was about this time at night, a bit more than half an hour left to my birthday. I had so many thoughts about what it was going to mean to be 23 so I had to find an outlet where I can write some of those thoughts. Well, fast forward and its a year later. I turned 24 today. Once again I find myself in need of an outlet to express thoughts. Today was probably one of the least memorable, least fun, loneliest and yes saddest birthdays I have ever had. I'm away from my family and close friends, they all send wishes and greetings but its not the same as seeing them in person and getting hugs. I miss the hugs. Cards would have been nice, just something more than a text message or a facebook comment to show they really care. Not that it really matters, but I haven't even had cake today. Oh well, I guess birthdays aren't really that big a deal...
Anyways, I just read back on my post I wrote a year ago. A lot has changed since then. For one, I'm not in Miami. I'm in Wheaton, IL. I am very glad to be here, and I know it is where God has called me to be and I feel that I have grown so much spiritual and academically. But some days it is still hard to be here. Today was one of those days. I am glad though that when I compare to last year, I have more sense of direction about what I want to do. Unfortunately though, the aspect of my life that I desire the most to see how it ends up is still the vaguest part of my life. No word on the future pastor. In fact, I'm not even sure it will be a pastor. All I do know, is that 24 is the age I always thought I would be married by and I'm not even close. The one guy I do like, is interested in somebody else. Why do I always feel like I'm sitting around waiting for some guy to notice me. I hate that. Why do I feel like I need a guy? Lately I've been analyzing myself. Do I under value myself, do I have my self worth misplaced? Is my father's death an underlying cause of my need to have a guy, is that why I get so stuck on a guy that I like? How do I break free from this? How can I truly surrender this all to God? I feel like I have been trying to do that for many years. How do I let go of something I want to happen so bad that it hurts? God help me. God heal me. God free me. Why is this area of my life significantly more difficult for me to deal with? 24, what will 24 look like? Its had a rough start, but I am hopeful. Once again, 23 minutes left to my birthday (I didn't plan that).

love, Jazmine

dear God,
I don't really know what to write. I just feel that I should. I remember how I used to write to you everyday when I was younger. I had my "God notebooks" where I wrote letter after letter to you. I told you about everything. I confessed every thought, every feeling before you. Well, here I am. I never get over this overwhelming feeling for more. I just want more about of my relationship with you. I just don't feel like I do enough. I have no discipline. Why can't I do the things I want to? Be who I know you want me to be? Why am I so lazy, so unmotivated, so slow to act, to live in the moment for You. The opportune moments. I really don't know what else to say. You know my heart and everything it is feeling now. You know my mind and everything it is thinking right now. You know my spirit, and everything it longs for right now. I am yours. There is nothing more for me to say.
Love, Jazmine