Looking back

I don't know how it even occurred to me, but I thought of my old myspace page (ancient huh?) and so I looked for it and found it. It hasn't been used in over 3 years but it still exist, mainly because I deleted the email that I used to start it and so now I can't delete it. Anyways, I just read all my old blogs there and I am shocked. There were things I understood then that I can't believe I did. I wonder, where did that passion go? I'm going to repost them here in an effort to remind myself of my old passions. Here is one that makes me feel guilty because of my lack of commitment. I still feel the same way I did then, and I stayed true to some of the things written here, but I didn't do more.

ONE american consumes as much as...

2 japanese

6 mexicans

13 chinese

31 indians

128 bangladesus

307 tanzanians

370 ethopians

on and on....

so many more stats...

we are a wasteful society.

i am wasteful. you are wasteful.

i've come to realize just how much.

we really are.

dont think so?

consider this....

have you ever...

-thrown away perfectly good water just because it got hot or because you didnt want to hold the bottle?

-thrown food away for a stupid reason like it was taking space in the fridge or you didnt want to hold it?

-bought clothes when you didnt need it?

-thrown away clothes that were perfectly good and you probably rarely wore but it was now out of style?

-wasted a lot of money on an item (like clothes) that you knew wasnt worth that much but it was sooo pretty?

-left the lights on when you werent in a room anymore?

-eaten when you are not hungry?

-thrown away perfectly good paper because there was a little line on it, or it was a little bit wrinkled.

-wasted money buying something you didnt even want?

- used like 20 napkins when one or two would suffice?

on and on...

any of those things seem familiar?

people are DYING. living in POVERTY. SICK.

children dying from malnutrition. and here we are being wasteful.

wasteful with food. clothes. water. money. electricity. land. just about anything.

could it be that we are all so ignorant as to NOT notice. or are we THAT SELF CENTERED?

do we really think we are so much that we deserve to waste over 75% of the worlds supply when we are only a small percentage of the population on it?

i know most of us cant leave it all behind and travel to a third world country to solve the poverty issues.

BUT...

we can do SOMETHING. its SO simple.

CHANGE THE WAY YOU LIVE>

-eat only when you are hungry, and just enough. dont exxagerate.

-water is a LIMITED supply. realize that. dont waste it.

-resist buying clothes or things you dont need at ridiculous prices. dont give in to consumerism! use money wisely!! for better needs.

-become educated... look into the places you shop, how much of the money you waste is going to those who deserve it? more then likely... less than 10% goes to those who deserve it. (FAIR TRADE)

- dont leave lights on after you've left a room. turn off tvs and radios not in use.

-dont throw supplies like paper and pencils that are still useful because of MINOR imperfections.

BE WISE

USE ONLY WHAT YOU NEED.

set a limit. can you live with out it? others need the money to simple survive.

start NOW.

NO DAY BUT TODAY.

people aare dying. we are being wasteful.

does it make sense? is it fair?

theres enough for everyones need... NOT everyones greed.


i'll start... i pledge... to try my best to lead a less wasteful life. do you?

-www.worldvision.org
-www.heifer.org
-www.samaritanspurse.org
-www.maketradefair.com
-www.one.org

just a few...

24

Today is my birthday. Happy Birthday Jazmine. I started this blog exactly a year ago, when I turned 23 and it was about this time at night, a bit more than half an hour left to my birthday. I had so many thoughts about what it was going to mean to be 23 so I had to find an outlet where I can write some of those thoughts. Well, fast forward and its a year later. I turned 24 today. Once again I find myself in need of an outlet to express thoughts. Today was probably one of the least memorable, least fun, loneliest and yes saddest birthdays I have ever had. I'm away from my family and close friends, they all send wishes and greetings but its not the same as seeing them in person and getting hugs. I miss the hugs. Cards would have been nice, just something more than a text message or a facebook comment to show they really care. Not that it really matters, but I haven't even had cake today. Oh well, I guess birthdays aren't really that big a deal...
Anyways, I just read back on my post I wrote a year ago. A lot has changed since then. For one, I'm not in Miami. I'm in Wheaton, IL. I am very glad to be here, and I know it is where God has called me to be and I feel that I have grown so much spiritual and academically. But some days it is still hard to be here. Today was one of those days. I am glad though that when I compare to last year, I have more sense of direction about what I want to do. Unfortunately though, the aspect of my life that I desire the most to see how it ends up is still the vaguest part of my life. No word on the future pastor. In fact, I'm not even sure it will be a pastor. All I do know, is that 24 is the age I always thought I would be married by and I'm not even close. The one guy I do like, is interested in somebody else. Why do I always feel like I'm sitting around waiting for some guy to notice me. I hate that. Why do I feel like I need a guy? Lately I've been analyzing myself. Do I under value myself, do I have my self worth misplaced? Is my father's death an underlying cause of my need to have a guy, is that why I get so stuck on a guy that I like? How do I break free from this? How can I truly surrender this all to God? I feel like I have been trying to do that for many years. How do I let go of something I want to happen so bad that it hurts? God help me. God heal me. God free me. Why is this area of my life significantly more difficult for me to deal with? 24, what will 24 look like? Its had a rough start, but I am hopeful. Once again, 23 minutes left to my birthday (I didn't plan that).

love, Jazmine

dear God,
I don't really know what to write. I just feel that I should. I remember how I used to write to you everyday when I was younger. I had my "God notebooks" where I wrote letter after letter to you. I told you about everything. I confessed every thought, every feeling before you. Well, here I am. I never get over this overwhelming feeling for more. I just want more about of my relationship with you. I just don't feel like I do enough. I have no discipline. Why can't I do the things I want to? Be who I know you want me to be? Why am I so lazy, so unmotivated, so slow to act, to live in the moment for You. The opportune moments. I really don't know what else to say. You know my heart and everything it is feeling now. You know my mind and everything it is thinking right now. You know my spirit, and everything it longs for right now. I am yours. There is nothing more for me to say.
Love, Jazmine

Solitude and the H.S.

"If our souls are anxious and distracted, our life connection with God will suffer. The more we are led into quietness, the more attuned we become of God" -Bruce Demarest

We can't follow God's will, unless we know what it is. To know what it is we need to listen to him, but God is in the stillness. God has a still small voice, a whisper that can barely be heard over the loudness of our lives. In the moments that we need to hear God the most, we forget the most to stop and listen. We pray yes, but prayer is verbal. Prayer is not stillness. Its important, yes, absolutely. But if we seek to hear God's voice, to hear his call, our will for our lives then we must also stop. I don't know why, but for so many of us, the thought of sitting in absolute silence is scary. It might even make us go to sleep. That is because we forget that we have the Holy Spirit, the counselor living within us, that needs to lead the way. Stopping isn't about sitting in a quiet room while your mind goes over you"to do list". Its about stopping and focusing on God. Contemplating on Him. Affirming your faith in Him, your love for him. It isn't about saying your prayer request in your head. Its about recognizing God's presence in your life. We forget he is there, oh we know he is omniscient but we forget that means he is there. His presence, there. His spirit in you. Stopping helps you recognize that. It helps you realize that you cannot do his will with out him.

Moreover, listening to God also has an element of solitude. When we study Jesus we find that Jesus spend a lot of time on his own. There are many verses that describe that he fled from the multitudes. There is something about being alone that draws us closer to God. Maybe its the reduction in distractions. I don't know. But so many of us fear being alone, or think there is something wrong with it. Yet, I have found that in the solitude my soul is drawn closer to God, in the solitude I can hear God clearer.

contemplation

As Christians we have all heard the famous passages that describe how God is in the stillness or how he has a still small voice. We know very well that if we want to hear God than we need to be quiet. Yet, that seems to be the hardest thing for us to do.

I read a chapter on the power of contemplation for our Christian lives and afterward I found myself contemplating about God, and it was beautiful moment. In my church experience, we have talked a lot about prayer, and I can give a whole monologue about the importance of prayer, and I believe it with all my heart and am in no way trying to devalue prayer, but this concept of contemplation was a little foreign to me and I found it refreshing. Prayer is very verbal while contemplation is not. I think that is the key. In the silence. The purpose of contemplation is to focus your inmost being on God himself. Is isn't trying to bring God into your presence, because God is omniscient (which we tend to forget). He is already there, so its really about becoming attuned with the already present presence of God. Its not a time of silence, where your mind is racing on about your "to list", its a time to focus your mind, its a time to listen, its a time to become aware of the Holy Spirit that lives in you. Contemplation is abandoning yourself for a little to God so that you can hear him.

Verbal prayer is very much about the surrounding circumstances in our lives, which at times can be overwhelming, and verbal prayer is important to our Christian walk, but contemplative prayer is about the inner world, its about God in you. Contemplative prayer can sound odd, maybe a bit "new age" but its not about the self at all. Its about listening to God, affirming your faith to God and your love to God.

a lost day

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said " Why do I meditate? Because I am a Christian. Therefore, every day in which I do not penetrate more deeply into the knowledge of God's Word in Holy Scripture is a lost day for me. I can only move forward with certainty upon the firm ground of the Word of God."

Since the day I read that in a book for class, I have not been able to stop thinking about it. It made me wonder how many lost days have I had? Is today a lost day? I realize that I don't want to have a lost day.

We often forget the role of the Holy Scriptures in our lives. The Scriptures are real, relevant and they are the words of God so they have power to speak into our lives. How am I to grow closer to the Lord and hear him without meditating on Scriptures? The Scriptures not only tell stories that we can relate to, the scriptures also reveal about God's nature. The Scriptures are one of God's ways that he choose to reveal himself through. It reveals of God as father, son and Holy spirit, the triune God. If I want to move forward, then it is as Bonhoeffer states it "I can only move forward with the certainty upon the firm ground of the Word of God." The opposite may also be true I cannot move forward (at least not in God's will) if I do not have the firm ground of the Word of God.

treadmill

Its thursday afternoon and Im at the gym. You guessed it, on the treadmill. I'm looking out the window at people wearing layers of clothing trying to hurry through to get inside a building. Beep beep. The treadmill wants me to put my hands on the bars to get my heart rate. To my right is this girl running crazy fast, I look like a grandma running next to her. To my left is some guy working out his arms. I forgot my ipod, so my brain is only being distracted by my thoughts. Not good. Fifteen minutes left. Beep beep. Again? Now I'm running even slower because apparently my heart rate is too high, somehow I doubt it has anything to do with my running. My head is on overdrive. I still can't get over the fact that I am here. I still wake up most mornings turn over in my bed and think, oh crap! I'm in Wheaton, Illinois! I've been here for like 5 weeks. In 3 weeks I'll be going home for spring break. I miss the sun. I have a new found love for the Florida sun, and to think that so often I got mad at it. I usually don't like running on treadmills. I don't like the fact that I can give it my all and go as fast as my body can handle, and still get nowhere. I much prefer running outside, but I'll pretty much die if I run outside in this weather, beside the gym is included in my tuition. Might as well. Life is slow here. Time goes much faster in Miami. There's also so much more to do over there. But I am here. I'm going to class, I'm reading, I'm writing papers. That is my existence here. I know that this is what I need to be doing at this point in my life, but why is it so hard for that to be OK for now? My Miami life was non stop, on the go. work, church, home, friends, life group, dogs, mission trips, files and the list goes on. 15 minutes are up, cool down for 5 minutes. cool down. I always used to skip the cool down part before, never liked it much, never had patience for it. To slowly decrease speed until you come to a stop. I'm going to do it. For the first time ever, I will do the cool down all the way, no matter how dumb it feels. There's a purpose for cool down isn't there? Its good for your body right? I just wonder what will I do, after the cool down? Should I go on the bicycle, should I workout a specific part of my body? I guess we'll see.

facing loneliness

I have seen several movies or TV shows where there is a certain character that is facing loneliness. I've always felt compassion and sympathy towards these characters, but never have I felt what its like to be the one that feels that way. Never in my life have I sat in a place where I am surrounded by people, yet I feel entirely alone. Everyone is sitting in pairs or groups except for me. The only thing keeping me sane is my ipod and laptop. They make me appear to look busy and focused. I've met a few great people while I've been here, some who will potentially be great friends, but as of right now I have no one here. I know it has a lot to do with me, but I've never been the bold type, the type that makes conversations. No, I've always been the quiet type, the background type, the listener. It is incredibly hard for me to put myself out there and talk, it makes me incredibly vulnerable. I've never had to do it before. At home I had my support systems like my mom, my sister, my best friend. Here its just me. I'm tired of this loneliness. It's not healthy, but seeing as I've never battled with it before, I don't really know how to defeat it.

A bit gray

Dear friend,
I came to Wheaton College because I felt God leading me to come here so I can better prepare myself for ministry at Relevant. The day before coming here I find out that Relevant's future is in question. At first the magnitude of it didn't really phase me, I didn't realize the implications of what was happening at Relevant on my being at Wheaton. Then came Saturday night. I was alone since my sister went off to visit her friends in Chicago. I have to say Saturday night was one of the hardest nights of my life. All of a sudden the reality of what I was doing set in. I realized how alone I felt in this big school full of people I didn't know, I realized the isolation of living by myself. I realized the difficulty of the academic level in this school, but worse I realized that my purpose for coming to Wheaton might not even be existent upon my return to Miami. Even if it is existent, it won't be the same. My mind became flooded with doubts and fears. My heart felt pain and sadness. All I wanted was to go back home. I could picture sunny beautiful Miami and its people. Then, God challenged me with a question, did I come to Wheaton for Relevant or for the people of Miami?
One thing is certain in my mind, God wants me here. He worked out everything to my benefit so I can be here now at this specific point in time in my life. I can say confidently that He wants me here. However, God challenged my motives and I may have come here under a different understanding but now it's clear. I came here because Miami needs God, needs Jesus. Wheaton has the resources and knowledge and skills that I need to learn to take with me to Miami. I am now re-focused, realizing the depth of my call to Wheaton. It still hasn't become entirely easy to be here away from the people I love, the city I love, but I'll continue placing my hope in Jesus, in his call for my life, knowing that there is something greater for me than what I could ever have pictured for myself. I expect my time here at Wheaton to be challenging academically, emotionally and spiritually. I expect to be stretched to the point of breakage, I expect to face severe doubts and fears, but I also expect to wrestle with those same doubts and fear and come out confident. I expect to come out of here a more whole person. A person who has journeyed further in her spiritual process, a person who has gained a deeper understanding of her faith, a person who is deeper in love with her wonderful creator. Please pray for me friend as this will be a challenging time in my life. I need your support and your faith in me.

Love,
Jazmine

Adjustments

I heard my best friend's voice over the phone and tears came to my eyes. I feel so alone, so removed and I just want to go home. Yet, that's not am option for me. I know it's not. This is where I need to be. School starts Monday, the distraction will help. I need to meet new people, connect with others, that will help too. I'm just so scared. I hate to admit it but I am. I also feel like I can't do this, like I'm not smart enough to be at this school. I'm doubting myself. If I were hearing myself I'd give myself the greatest pep talk, and tell myself that I'm smart and capable, but it just isn't enough. I just want to fast forward this part until the part where I'm happy again and loving what I'm doing. Once again, patience is key.